the next big thing: artisanal coffin production

Emily and I have been building a coffin.  This is nominally for Halloween, though I realized partway through the process that “he was buried in a novelty coffin he constructed himself” would make a pretty awesome kicker for an obituary.  Of course, that assumes that in the future people still get buried in coffins instead of being cremated to reduce A) crowding on the space-ark or B) the odds of reanimation.  Frankly, that seems unlikely.  But while the coffin’s ultimate fate remains uncertain, it should at least be a workable bar come October 31st.

The process is going pretty well.  We’re using these plans, and while the quoted $25 cost is pretty optimistic, it is relatively affordable as these things go.  At this point we’ve got the boards completely cut; we could assemble it immediately if we wanted.

First, though, I’d like to distress the wood.  There are a lot of techniques for doing this, and we’ve tried several of them on scraps left from the cutting.  I’d like to produce an impossibly-weathered sort of gray plank.  The internet says the lye in oven cleaner ought to manage this, but so far it seems to have done nothing — maybe we have the wrong oven cleaner, or perhaps the board’s pressure-treated nature is interfering with the deadly chemical reaction.  Emily found a method involving vinegar and steel wool, and claims that it shows promise (I remain skeptical).

The only methods that have proven to work are more physical in nature.  First, the wire brush: using a drill and an appropriate abrasive wheel allows one to scrape away the weaker portions of  the wood’s surface, leaving raised ridges and producing a more fibrous, soft sort of finish.  It looks good.

The other method is to char the surface with a propane torch.  It doesn’t produce the gray color I wanted, but the effect is sort of cool, particularly when applied after the wire brush.

Both techniques are fairly labor-intensive, though (particularly the brushing when using only a hand drill).  If anyone has access to an angle grinder or feels like joining me in my garage for some beer, fire and power tools, drop me a line.